All parenting produces unhappy adults

Every parenting style produces disturbed, miserable adults, according to a new study reported by The Onion.

“Our research suggests that while overprotective parenting ultimately produces adults unprepared to contend with life’s difficulties, highly permissive parenting leads to feelings of bitterness and isolation throughout adulthood,” lead researcher Daniel Porter said. “And, interestingly, we found that anything between those two extremes is equally damaging, always resulting in an adult who suffers from some debilitating combination of unpreparedness and isolation.”

However, “adults often achieve temporary happiness when they have children of their own to perpetuate the cycle of human misery.”

 

Nation’s students to give schools another chance

Nation’s Students To Give American Education System Yet Another Chance, reports The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Despite years of putting up with underperforming teachers, overcrowded classrooms, and a gradually deteriorating educational experience, American students reluctantly announced Tuesday that they would be giving the nation’s public school system yet another chance this fall.

Students conceded they’d “probably kick themselves later” for deciding to enroll once more in a system that has let them down time and time again.

 

Nation’s schools will repeat the year

“Having continued to display learning deficits and a failure to reach basic educational milestones, the nation’s school systems will be asked to repeat the academic year,” reports The Onion.

“We know this is disappointing news, but we believe it’s for the best,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, who pointed out that many underperforming schools glide under the radar for years without achieving any kind of proficiency in math, reading, or science. “An extra year will give America’s school systems some time to get a better handle on the subject matter so they can catch up with the other nations.”

This is satire.

Civics teachers dispatched to D.C.

With Congress deadlocked on raising the debt ceiling, “a special team of 40 eighth-grade civics teachers was air-dropped into Washington in a last-ditch effort to teach congressional leaders how the government’s legislative process works,” reports The Onion.

“We started them off with the basics, like the difference between a senator and a representative, and then moved on to more complex concepts, like what a resolution is,” Bozeman, MT social studies teacher Heidi Rossmiller told reporters as all 535 members of Congress copied down the definition of “checks and balances” from a whiteboard in the House chamber. “It’s been a bit of an uphill battle, since most of them seemed to have no real sense of how or why a bill is passed, and Sen. [Harry] Reid [D-NV] had to come up to me during a break and ask, ‘Ms. Rossmiller, what happens if Congress can’t reach a compromise?’ But hopefully it will all start to sink in soon.”

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) stormed out of a lecture on bipartisan cooperation, claiming it was “too hard,” reports The Onion, which is a satirical publication.

 

 

More degrees, more jobs

President Obama’s job-creation plan, as reported by The Onion, includes: Everyone permitted one fake college degree per resumé.

Also on Community College Spotlight:  From remedial ed to the workforce.

Ed study: Teaching is big waste of time

Teaching American children is a big waste of time, concludes a comprehensive, nationwide Education Department study revealed by The Onion.

“We remain committed to providing every student in the country with access to a high-quality education,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that good schools are a key component to the success of American democracy. “But to be honest, none of that matters. We’re not talking about promising young scholars here — we’re talking about a bunch of fucking animals.”

The study, which analyzed the effectiveness of both public and private schools, found that efforts to enlighten these terrors on the subjects of math, history, grammar, and science are as productive as slamming your head into a goddamn brick wall.

A survey last month found “90 percent of all elementary school students resent being taught by pathetic losers who couldn’t get a decent job in the real world,” The Onion adds.

Hat is 'hat'

From The Onion: Arizona High Schools To Now Teach Spanish Entirely In English

In other Onion news: Struggling High School Cuts Football — Nah, Just Kidding, Art It Is

Patriotic gore

On The Onion’s patriotic issue:  Restoration reveals blood-thirsty new verses of the Star-Spangled Banner.

From 1997, U.S. students lead the world in TV jingle recall.

Parents opt to school-home

An increasing number of parents are choosing school-homing — having their children raised at school rather than at home, reports The Onion.

Deputy Education Secretary Anthony W. Miller said that many parents who school-home find U.S. households to be frightening, overwhelming environments for their children, and feel that they are just not conducive to producing well-rounded members of society.

. . . “Every year more parents are finding that their homes are not equipped to instill the right values in their children,” Miller said. “When it comes to important life skills such as proper nutrition, safe sex, and even basic socialization, a growing number of mothers and fathers think it’s better to rely on educators to guide and nurture their kids.”

School-homing also is catching on with parents “who just want to be less involved in the day-to-day lives of their children,” The Onion reports.

It’s satire, of course, but it hits close to home. Or school, as the case may be.

Are kids learning enough about whales?

The Onion asks: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?

Currently, 84 percent of school funding is spent teaching children about whales. Is that enough? Should every school have its own whale?