Via Larry Cuban:
Most serial killers were denied a toy in childhood when visiting a store with their parents, reports The Onion. Even one toy denial may trigger violent impulses, said forensic psychologist Edgar Pruitt. “John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, the Green River Killer—these were all people who did not get the toys or games they wanted. So as a parent, you have to ask yourself if the $15 you save by not purchasing Legos or a Spider-Man figurine is worth the potentially dozens of innocent lives your child might one day brutally take.”
Young girls who were told they had to eat their dinner before they could have dessert all went on to become mothers who drowned their own children in the bathtub.
Characters build bridges, launch rockets and think through problems that require trial and error, observation and data.
Young children are “natural scientists,” says Rosemarie Truglio, vice president for education and research at Sesame Workshop, which produces the show. “They’re exploring the world around them and trying to figure out how the world works.”
Slapstick will respect the laws of physics, promise the writers, who recalls the Muppet rule of thumb: “When in doubt, throw a chicken.”
As any slapstick comedian will tell you, physics is a comedy gold mine, and the writers soon discovered — or, more likely, remembered — they could apply it to many earnest setups. In one episode, Elmo engineers an automatic spaghetti server with disastrous results. In another, Grover, pondering inclined planes, helps a cow climb a flight of stairs for a manicure.
Acknowledging Newton’s Laws of Motion, this season anyone who hits a brick wall will bounce back before sliding to the floor. “It’s more scientifically accurate slapstick,” says Executive Producer Carol-Lynn Parente.
. . . Invoking another Muppet rule of thumb — It’s funny anytime someone is thrown and lands painfully — Parente adds, “Nothing is funnier than gravity. Add some sound effects to gravity, and you’re golden.”
In the opening episode of the show’s 42nd season, characters help Hubert the Human Cannonball figure out how to launch himself from a cannon into a vat of blue gelatin.
Nation’s Students To Give American Education System Yet Another Chance, reports The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Despite years of putting up with underperforming teachers, overcrowded classrooms, and a gradually deteriorating educational experience, American students reluctantly announced Tuesday that they would be giving the nation’s public school system yet another chance this fall.
Students conceded they’d “probably kick themselves later” for deciding to enroll once more in a system that has let them down time and time again.
“Having continued to display learning deficits and a failure to reach basic educational milestones, the nation’s school systems will be asked to repeat the academic year,” reports The Onion.
“We know this is disappointing news, but we believe it’s for the best,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, who pointed out that many underperforming schools glide under the radar for years without achieving any kind of proficiency in math, reading, or science. “An extra year will give America’s school systems some time to get a better handle on the subject matter so they can catch up with the other nations.”
This is satire.
Inspired by The Onion, Amanda Krauss of Worst Professor Ever imagines a news story: Education Secretary to Nation’s Youth: ‘Stop Getting So Many Fucking Degrees’.
WASHINGTON – Despite pressing budget talks, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan . . . took a moment to remind the “I’m special” generation that they are “basically a bunch of punk-ass kids” who have been victimized by universities selling delusions of grandeur. He urged the nation’s youth to adopt a more realistic view of the world and accept their place as helots in the Spartan tradition, sacrificing themselves in service of the nation’s competent elite.
Duncan also had choice words about post-graduate degrees. “More education is not the answer,” he said sternly, suggesting that if the piece of paper was “so goddamn important,” today’s technology allows us to print degrees at home and save thousands of dollars to invest in real economic growth. While he admitted that those already holding advanced degrees were “kind of screwed” he noted that there was still time for them to put down their copies of Marx and roll up their sleeves, already.
“Tea Party members cheered the President’s rejection of godless book learning,” while tenured professors applauded the new approach, Krauss writes.
“We’ve been trying to get rid of the students for years,” confessed one professor. “I’m just glad someone said it, you know?”
On a Facebook post, Krauss calls the master’s degree “the new fry cook certification.”
Education Gadfly offers “a fresh flava from your peeps at the Thomas B. Fordham In$titute” for April 1.
Included is an report on “widespread cheating” in Finland, Singapore and Shanghai on international tests.
Finnish Minister of Education Henna Virkkunen asked unapologetically, “What did you expect us to do? We’ve got to protect our children from the emotional blow of bad test scores. They’re fragile creatures, you know, and we have fewer than a million of them.” OECD Directorate for Education head Andreas Schleicher released a statement embracing cheating as a “twenty-first century skill” and promising that this important capability will be assessed by PISA in the future. And U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan tweeted “How do you like me now, Singapore!?”
And there’s more for April Fool’s Day.