The quest for the perfect school district

“Intrepid middle-class parents” Ken and Deborah Linden have set off to find the perfect school district for their two children, reports The Onion. Some say the “mythical realm of top-ranked, well-rounded education . . . only exists in legend,” but the Richmond, Virginia parents are determined.

According to lore, the mysterious school district—located in a remote clearing in the suburbs that only a chosen few are able to see—offers a robust, wide-ranging curriculum that prophets claim includes “all the AP classes—all of them. More than one could ever possibly take.” If legends are to be believed, the teachers in every classroom in the district hold an advanced degree, often a doctorate, and the day’s lessons are displayed on Smart Boards synced to each student’s school-issued iPad.

“There are some who believe the perfect school district does not exist—that it is just an old tale handed down in whispered tones at PTA meetings and Kaplan Test Prep centers, and nothing more,” said Ken Linden. “But we know it is out there somewhere.”

“When I close my eyes I can almost envision the quiz bowl team prepping for regional finals,” he added.

. . . a year ago they were convinced they had discovered the mythic realm in Barterfeld, VA, but their hopes were cruelly dashed when they read about a 2011 bullying incident at one of its schools, forcing them to begin the daunting quest anew.

Last fall, they believed “Rundlett County Public Schools to be the storied district of legend, only to find out later that its senior-year internship programs were insufficiently rigorous, and that its reputation for math, while good, could be better.”

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