New SAT will be ‘totally awesome’

The New SAT will be “like totally awesome,” dude, predicts Jay P. Greene. No more “bogus vocab words that only brainiacs use in literature, poetry, and other useless stuff.

“The SAT will focus on words that students will use consistently in college and beyond,”  says College Board.

Yeah, like “bong” and “extended unemployment benefits.”

And the new SAT will be all equal and stuff.  It’s no fair when people get an edge cuz they know more things.  We can’t have that.  So the new math test won’t have no pre-calculus stuff that nobody but some foreign kids know how to do anymore.  Don’t we have computers for that stuff?  The new test will just cover “linear equations, functions, and proportions,” man.  Maybe I can get extra points for writing a little note on the math problems about how they make me feel.

And there’s no penalty for guessing anymore.

Here are some new SAT questions, via Cora Frazier in the New Yorker.

1. Reading comprehension. Consider the following passage by a nineteenth-century female writer:

Elizabeth, having rather expected to affront him, was amazed at his gallantry; but there was a mixture of sweetness and archness in her manner which made it difficult for her to affront anybody; and Darcy had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her. He really believed that, were it not for the inferiority of her connections, he should be in some danger.

How would you title the above passage to generate the most “likes”?

(a) haters make you stronger, God forgives

(b) Hey, friends, I’ve written about some stuff that’s been going on with me lately, which is why I’ve been out of touch and not on social media so much or too responsive to your posts, and it would be really great to get some feedback from you intelligent people on this. A lot on my mind & greatly appreciated (etc.)

(c) 10 Reasons You Are Never Getting Married

(d) Cats Dressed Up Fancy

7. You have one remaining pair of clean underwear, besides the pair you are currently wearing. You have an additional pair of underwear that doesn’t cover your entire butt and says “Thursday.” How many days can you go without doing laundry?

Satire? Yes.

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