‘Why Do Only White People Get Abducted by Aliens?’

In Why Do Only White People Get Abducted by Aliens?, Ilana Garon writes about teaching English at a Bronx public school.

In books and movies, the “hero teacher” charges into failing “inner-city schools like a firefighter into an inferno, bringing the student victims to safety through a combination of charisma and innate righteousness,” Garon writes. But that’s a myth. Her students have “big dreams and uncommon insight” — and lots of problems.

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  1. Because space aliens are racists.

    Yes, it’s a previously unrecognized form of racism. Alert the media.

    Clearly some means of redressing this injustice are necessary if there’s to be any hope of achieving a socially just society.

    But first a regulatory apparatus must be put into place to bring the “wild west” practice of taking your flying saucer where ever you want, kidnapping whoever you want and probing what ever orifices are of interest to you, to a halt. Perhaps Men In Black could be pressed into service in this regard since an illusory police force is just the thing for an illusory crime by illusory criminals.

    With the federal government in charge alien abductions can be properly regulated and racial profiling by space aliens brought to an end. Historically under-represented elements of society will then get their fair share of abductions and anal probing.

    An affirmative action policy should be enacted to help redress that historical imbalance. It’s only right.

    Naturally, space aliens must be required to attend racial sensitivity classes so they may confront their interstellar racism and learn that their racist leanings are unwelcome vestiges of a shameful past.

    On a somewhat related note I’ve recently learned that persons of color are not stung by jellyfish nearly as often as members of the patriarchal, white, ruling class thus proving that it’s not necessary to have a spinal cord, or even eyes, to engage in racial selectivity.

    Trans-species racism is not more tolerable then any other type. Being in a different phylum is no better an excuse tor racist leanings then is evolving on another planet.

  2. Barney Hill is black, and is one of the most famous UFO abductees.

    • Allen: Your proposal has merit, but it doesn’t go far enough. You say the federal government should regulate this, but you don’t propose a framework or any metrics for evaluating how well the aliens are meeting quotas. Probings per abductee are an obvious metric, but how will we know that all groups are getting equal time and opportunity?

      What will happen to non-compliant alien groups? Teachers have tenure and are hard to fire. Alien nations belong to another sovereign entitty and will resist attempts at regulation. Will they be highly qualified? Will this be a Cabinet level position?

      I was shocked to learn about the jellyfish. Further investigation reveals that cholera and other bacterial parasites are more prevalent among lower socio economic strata. Apparently some bacteria are refusing to use oxygen for their energy needs as well. We need programs to forcibly mix these bacteria among all strata and to educate them into the benefits of using oxygen for energy metabolism.

      LTEC: Sort of the Thurgood Marshall of abductees?

      • Of course I don’t get into the dreary details of policy formation and the development of metrics, Sean. That’s for the dreary people who, for reasons I can’t fathom, prefer to do that sort of thing. My ever-so-valuable contribution is to identify the transgression by drawing my lips into a thin, disapproving line and to come up with catchy phrases that neatly, if none too honestly, encapsulate the issue.

        I don’t consider my work done until I’ve reduced a complex issue to a form appropriate for bumper stickers making it appreciable by weighty intellects such as myself.

        Yes, it’s true about jellyfish. One mustn’t assume that racism is limited to the species H. sapiens, Genus, even phylum, is no impediment to discriminatory behavior. In fact, assuming that racism is confined to H. sapiens may in itself be racist ideation. One can never be too cautious.

        Remember that in the pursuit of social justice no conclusion is so distant that it can’t be jumped too.

  3. allen: thank you for a very entertaining read! You make me LOL, sir!