Teaching American children is a big waste of time, concludes a comprehensive, nationwide Education Department study revealed by The Onion.
“We remain committed to providing every student in the country with access to a high-quality education,” said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that good schools are a key component to the success of American democracy. “But to be honest, none of that matters. We’re not talking about promising young scholars here — we’re talking about a bunch of fucking animals.”
The study, which analyzed the effectiveness of both public and private schools, found that efforts to enlighten these terrors on the subjects of math, history, grammar, and science are as productive as slamming your head into a goddamn brick wall.
A survey last month found “90 percent of all elementary school students resent being taught by pathetic losers who couldn’t get a decent job in the real world,” The Onion adds.