The Onion offers tips on helping your kids succeed in school:
* If you currently live in a community with high-quality schools, consider moving your family to an impoverished rural or inner-city area to improve your child’s class standing.
* Many television shows are actually valuable educational resources disguised as entertainment. For example, Gilligan’s Island is a great way to learn about Gilligan’s island.
* Develop a working model for a reformed educational system that addresses the needs of every child at a reasonable taxpayer cost. Then become powerful and implement that system.
* Get to know your child’s schoolteacher. Ask why he or she can’t drum some sense into the little shit.
* Fostering a strong sense of self-worth is crucial to academic success. Send your child to school bedecked in precious jewels and carried aloft in a gilded chair by four loinclothed slaves.
* Underfeed your child so he or she will become skinny and awkward. The child will then pursue academia instead of sports and social channels.
* While education is important, make sure your child doesn’t get all uppity with his or her book-learning.
Finally: “In the future, knowledge will come in pill form. Wait.”
Satire? Yes. It’s The Onion.