Help your kids succeed in school

The Onion offers tips on helping your kids succeed in school:

* If you currently live in a community with high-quality schools, consider moving your family to an impoverished rural or inner-city area to improve your child’s class standing.
* Many television shows are actually valuable educational resources disguised as entertainment. For example, Gilligan’s Island is a great way to learn about Gilligan’s island.
* Develop a working model for a reformed educational system that addresses the needs of every child at a reasonable taxpayer cost. Then become powerful and implement that system.
* Get to know your child’s schoolteacher. Ask why he or she can’t drum some sense into the little shit.
* Fostering a strong sense of self-worth is crucial to academic success. Send your child to school bedecked in precious jewels and carried aloft in a gilded chair by four loinclothed slaves.
* Underfeed your child so he or she will become skinny and awkward. The child will then pursue academia instead of sports and social channels.
* While education is important, make sure your child doesn’t get all uppity with his or her book-learning.

Finally:  “In the future, knowledge will come in pill form. Wait.”

Satire? Yes. It’s The Onion.

About Joanne


  1. Ok, I know the Onion is satirical, but that first one, move your kid, I’ve had parents do that with our inner city school. I can think of three top students who were moved to our school just so they could be valedictorians because they would not have made the cut at a top tier school in the district.

  2. Yeah, with the new UC admission polices the first tip may not classify as satire in CA.

  3. Foobarista says:

    Hey! I learned how to make a nuclear reactor out of three coconuts, a bit of wire, and a magic rock from the volcano by watching The Professor at work! I’d say that was educational.

  4. Number one is definitely not satire. Texas is another place where the top percent (10?) at every school gets automatic admission. To appease the diversity mavens, kids from weak schools are given preference over kids from strong ones. Some weak schools may have no students who are really prepared for college, let alone the flagship campus, and some strong schools may have hundreds. There are plenty of other places where the same thing happens, even if it’s not explicit.

  5. It’s explicit in California, courtesy of Gray Davis and the Democrats.

  6. Every time I write a recommendation for a student, I qualify it with a statement about the lack of rigor at our school and the student will need remedial help when they get on campus.