Is Barbie too stacked for your daughter’s self-esteem? Mattel is bringing out a homely doll called Plain Pamela, “designed to boost the confidence of girls ages 7 to 12,” reports The Onion, which specializes in satire.
The pale, unsightly plaything, which has a plastic torso scaled to the proportions of a 5-foot-4, 179-pound woman in her mid-30s, is being touted as the first toy expressly intended to raise the sense of physical and emotional self-worth in preteen females.
. . . Modestly priced at $7.99, each Plain Pamela doll comes prepackaged with a variety of unflattering and ill-fitting blouses to drape over her shapeless torso, as well as a packet of paste-on psoriasis spots to apply along her arms and back.
Plain Pam is preprogrammed to say phrases such as “I wish I was pretty like you,” and “That’s okay, you go out and have fun without me.”
. . . Plain Pamela comes with four interchangeable hairstyles: Just-Woke-Up, Too-Long, Too-Short, and What’s-the-Point-of-Even-Trying-Anymore-It’s-Not-Like-It’s-Going-to-Make-a-Difference.
. . . Mattel plans in the future to sell a number of playsets for the doll, including the Plain Pamela Cramped Studio Apartment, complete with special Dinner-for-One Kitchenette and Depressing Stack of Old People Magazines.
Other “psychologically reassuring” dolls planned for fall release include Lil’-Too-Drunk Linda and Plain Pamela’s Sympathetic Gay Friend, Craig. Next year, look for Timorous Tim, a cowardly action figure for boys who feel intimidated by GI Joe.