Unspeakable Horrors 101

Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum, reports The Onion, a satirical publication.

Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham (MA) school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district’s monthly meeting Tuesday.

“Fools!” said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. “We must prepare today’s youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods — not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!”

While “not totally sold on his plan to let gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and fear of our students,” fellow school board member Danielle Kolker praised West as “always on time to help set up for our spaghetti suppers,” and added that his bake sale good are “among the most popular.”

. . . Immediately before the vote on his motion, which was defeated eight to one, West gave his final remarks, arguing that the children are our future and that it’s the school board’s obligation to make sure they are fully versed in the unspeakable horrors still to come.

“In the information age, it is easier than ever to gather knowledge about things that should not be but nonetheless are, and such wisdom could prepare our students to be better citizens amid the ruins of sunken cities infested with swarms of ravenous, bloated rats,” West said. “Also, I believe that birth control should not be distributed by the guidance counselor.”

There is a rich diversity of opinion among school board members, though most prefer implicit madness to direct and systematic instruction in madness.

About Joanne


  1. Mark Roulo says:

    There is a rich diversity of opinion among school board members, though most prefer implicit madness to direct and systematic instruction in madness.

    Maybe we could compromise on “balanced madness?”

    -Mark Roulo

  2. 21st century madness. We don’t know what it will look like, so we must use a skills-based insanity curriculum in order to best prepare our students to be flexible to they can adapt to whatever global madness they are faced with.

    Of course, without real ways to measure teacher nuttiness, the point is moot.

  3. Reminds me very much of this recent Onion video on whether we’re passing on enough post-apocalyptic survival knowledge to our children.

  4. lking4truth says:

    I read the article…and your post….this is freakin crazy

  5. Parent2 says:

    lking4truth: The Onion is a satirical humor site.

  6. I can imagine the questions on the Madness Achievement Test:

    Q:  Why is a mouse when it spins?

    Correct answer: “Because ice cream has no bones.”

  7. I’m all for adding Madness to the curriculum. Especially “Our House”, “One Step Beyond”, and “Baggy Trousers”.

  8. And will it be the New Madness? Or the old, traditional, tried-and-true Madness?

    And what do we do when students don’t pass the Madness Achievement Test? Lock them in a dark room until they can?

    And what about the people who will complain that we only teach to the test, and so their students are missing out on Advanced Madness?

    And what about the students who are Gifted Mad? Won’t someone think of them? Or will they once again be used as a teacher’s aide, to help “pull up” the students who are lagging behind and are insufficient in Madness?

  9. Doug Sundseth says:

    It would clearly be unconstitutional to teach the madness of Lovecraft. On its face its a violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment. That said, I’m pretty sure we should teach the controversy.

  10. lking4truth says:

    Parent 2: Thanks, I’m relieved,….last night i was thinking, no way in hell would I buy bake goods from that guy….

  11. college readiness = prepared for Miskatonic University 🙂

  12. Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!

  13. Diana Senechal says:

    We should never teach madness out of context. We must create a culture of madness in which the students may construct meaningless on their own. To that end, the walls should be covered with dizzying lists and graphic organizers. The teacher should “model” madness by means of “think-alouds.” Lest she sound too sane, a literacy coach should stand behind her, whispering in her ear.

  14. I love how Joanne always has to put a reminder that The Onion is just a newspaper version of “Weekend Update” on Saturday Night Live… 😛

    The Lovecraftian Cthlulus… my high school played them in football once. They had black, red, and glow-in-the-dark neon green jerseys and helmets, their mascot was a squid demon, and they always cheated! Using telekinesis to draw our defensive line offsides. They need to add a telekinesis penalty to the rulebook!


  1. […] it’s serendipitous then that Joanne Jacobs recently highlighted a post from The Onion, and because she’s had to explain herself before when doing so, plainly stated in the first […]