Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum, reports The Onion, a satirical publication.
Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham (MA) school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district’s monthly meeting Tuesday.
“Fools!” said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. “We must prepare today’s youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods — not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!”
While “not totally sold on his plan to let gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and fear of our students,” fellow school board member Danielle Kolker praised West as “always on time to help set up for our spaghetti suppers,” and added that his bake sale good are “among the most popular.”
. . . Immediately before the vote on his motion, which was defeated eight to one, West gave his final remarks, arguing that the children are our future and that it’s the school board’s obligation to make sure they are fully versed in the unspeakable horrors still to come.
“In the information age, it is easier than ever to gather knowledge about things that should not be but nonetheless are, and such wisdom could prepare our students to be better citizens amid the ruins of sunken cities infested with swarms of ravenous, bloated rats,” West said. “Also, I believe that birth control should not be distributed by the guidance counselor.”
There is a rich diversity of opinion among school board members, though most prefer implicit madness to direct and systematic instruction in madness.