Giving babies something to cry about

Is your baby a sniveling wimp? Nothing But Tears shampoo will toughen up your snookums, reports The Onion.

“We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long,” company CEO William C. Weldon said. “Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead.”

Michelle Baker, head of new product development. promises the product will teach babies to face reality.

. . . “life isn’t all hugs and kisses and rainbows. Maybe I need to get my fucking act together.'”

Added Baker, “Johnson & Johnson will kick your baby’s ass into gear.”

For real? No, it’s The Onion.

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Comments

  1. I couldn’t wait to become a parent so I could say things like “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” I’ll bet that or some equivalent can be found in every culture in the world.

  2. Two lines in, I knew it had to be The Onion. 🙂

  3. “I couldn’t wait to become a parent so I could say things like “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” I’ll bet that or some equivalent can be found in every culture in the world.”

    I remember the first time I said “I brought you into this world and I can take you out!” :p And then when my firstborn got taller than me, and I could say “You maybe bigger than me, but you can’t stay awake forever.” 😉

  4. I love The Onion. I wish that USA Today would let The Onion have its own page in the back of the daily “Life” section. 🙂

  5. A friend of mine used to have, on his refrigerator door, a gag poster for a brand of cat food named “When They Get Hungry Enough, They’ll Eat It”.

    He’s a cat person.