From imagination to mutilation

Children’s imaginations lead to unsafe play, warns the Department of Health and Human Services, according to The Onion, a parody publication.
HHS is issuing guidelines, titled “Boundless Imagination, Boundless Hazards: Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe From A World Of Wonder.”

According to (child-safety expert Kenneth) McMillan, children can suffer broken bones, head trauma, and even fatal injuries from unsupervised exposure to childlike awe. “If your children are allowed to unlock their imaginations, anything from a backyard swing set to a child’s own bedroom can be transformed into a dangerous undersea castle or dragon’s lair,” McMillan said. “But by encouraging your kids to think linearly and literally, and constantly reminding them they can never be anything but human children with no extraordinary characteristics, you can better ensure that they will lead prolonged lives.”

No, this is not for real. It’s from The Onion, which is notorious for its use of imagination.

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  1. Oh, you had to give it away that this was satire? Aren’t your readers capable of reading satire… or are they too straight-laced?


  2. Every time I’ve run an Onion story, at least one person has left a comment asking, “Is this for real?” I almost always point out that The Onion is a satirical publication, but they still do it.

  3. I’m glad it’s the Onion, but honestly, those attitudes are not too far off of attitudes I’ve heard (earnestly) expressed. In my neck of the woods it usually runs more to the “Harry Potter will lead children to a life of Satanism!” thing, but it’s the same general attitude.