Without federal funding, Philadelphia’s East Central High “lacks the vital resources to determine how many students per teacher the school currently supports,” reports The Onion.
“Our staff of 54 teachers is aware that 1,578 students are in attendance,” principal Ian Victor said Monday. “We always hear that suburban schools have a 16-to-1 ratio — we just want to know how we stack up.” East Central’s original budget request of $120,000 was intended to purchase new equipment, replace outdated textbooks, and to figure out exactly how long it would take a school bus traveling at 35 mph to arrive at the school from Milburne, if it left at 7:35 a.m.
Of course, it depends on whether the bus is driving upstream. And what about that railroad train that left for Milburne at 7:50 a.m. traveling at 50 mph with 28.5 students on board, twice as many right-handed as left-handed. I remember that from school.
The Onion publishes satire.