Taxes are due and it’s time for the Third Annual Hatemonger’s Quarterly Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition. You need not be a college student to enter. Being sophomoric is good — or bad — enough.
Throughout a preternaturally long career, Anonymous has crafted some of the most beloved poems known to the world. And he will be carefully examining our entries, hunting for all the telltale signs of pathetic collegiate doggerel: Ghastly clichés; predictably utopian politics; clunky non-rhythms; misspellings; irksome tones of all-knowingness. Points will be deducted for the proper use of meter, alliteration, and other signs of poetic competence.
The closer your poem is to the mindless pap to be found in an undergraduate literary magazine, the more likely you are to take home the prize.
The deadline is May 3.
I think that I in May shall see
A poem horrible enough to win the contest
of Hatemonger’s Quarterly.
Perhaps an ode to alienation,
Or a sonnet to despair,
Or a limpid limerick of young virtue betrayed and stomped on with leather boots in a capitalistic, imperialist McWorld that’s just not fair.
Oh dear. Must stop.