The Hissmass Spirit

A Fox reader named Michelle in a small town in Texas sent me this amazing e-mail. Stupidity, apparently, knows no limits.

My kindergarten daughter was informed that in the song “We Wish You a Merry Christmas,” her class was to sing: “We Wish You a Merry Hissmas.”  This prompted her young mind to ask me what holiday Hissmas was, among other questions.

The mother told her daughter to tell the teacher that the family celebrates Christmas, not Hissmass. The teacher told the girl she could sing “Christmas,” but to sing quietly.

Michelle closes:

Well, my family and I would like to wish you and yours a very Merry Hissmas and a Happy New Ear!!

Thank you, Michelle. Seasoned Eatings to you, as well.

About Joanne


  1. And a Merry BLEEEEEP to all your readers, too.

  2. Ken Summers says:

    Of course, one can always go the Boynton route (sorry, can’t type pictures in here, but I saw it on a coffee mug):

    Wee fish ewe a mare egrets moose, panda hippo gnu deer.

  3. Independant George says:

    Let there be a Festivus for the Rest of Us!

  4. Merry Hissmass, and may you finds your very own preciousss!

  5. Shouldn’t that be HisssMasss?

  6. Independant George says:

    As long as they don’t start abbreviating it as ‘H-Mas’. Gawd I hate that.

  7. One could just hiss throughout. I’m sure the Texas audience would.

  8. [sighs]

    Merry Hissmas!
    Merry Pissmas!
    Merry Dismiss!

    F**king liberals.

  9. Steve LaBonne says:

    How about “We wish you a Hissy Fitness”? 😉

  10. Deck us all with Boston Charlie?

  11. dave'swife says:

    and I had a tantrum because Dave taught the boys-
    We Three kings or Orient Are
    Smoking on a Rubber Cigar….

    everybody sing lalalallalalalaaa

    I’m a lame mother, I guess.

  12. LibraryGryffon says:

    I could almost see having the poor kids sing “merry x-mas” (pronounced like ‘x’ in “x-ray”), but what the h*ll is “hiss” supposed to do except suggest something very negative about the holiday that is being sung about?

    Talk about offensive!

    “…. nor suffer yourselves to be wheedled out of your liberty by any pretenses of politeness, delicacy, or decency. These, as they are often used, are but three different names for hypocrisy, chicanery, and cowardice.” – John Adams

    I just found this quote this morning, and I can’t think of a better description of PC than wheedling us out of our liberties by hypocrisy, chicanery, and cowardice.


  13. Caffeinated Curmudgeon says:

    Obviousssly the teacher followsss Rossssey’s Great Sssserpent Cult:

    Mercury Isthmus andes nappy gnu ear too awl!

  14. Its time to put the H back into Hissmass

  15. Hissmass!? What the f*** is “hissmass”? Is that supposed to be some kind of (un)subtle comment on Christianity or something?

    I’m not Christian — I celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday — but this stuff is getting way, way out of control. When I was little in the 1970’s, sometimes we avoided the most overtly religious songs and sang more secular ones in school, but it would never, ever have occurred to anyone to actually CHANGE the words!

  16. This reminds me of when I was a small child and came home from Sunday School singing “the Prisses Prasses, Prisses Prasses deep in my heart” instead of the “Peace that Passes”. The difference is that I messed the words up all by myself.

  17. In fifth grade, we were told to sing “We with you a Merry Chrithmith” to avoid hissing. The music teacher assured us it would sound like “wish” and “Christmas,” which it did.

  18. “Two or three years ago it was just another snake cult…”

    “Snakes! Snakes, in my beautiful city!”

  19. ::sings::

    We wish you a happy season,
    If happy is good in your faith,
    But if you don’t believe in nothin’
    We are tolerant of that too…

  20. Hissmass is the traditional holiday in which Alger Hiss travels all over the world in a single night, leaving State Department documents in the Kremlin and replacing the credulity of the NE leftist elite with a lump of coal.*

    *In recent years, often replaced by some equally dense, fossilized mass, such as a copy of The Nation.

  21. Mark Odell says:
  22. Sean Kinsell says:

    Steve H.:
    “replacing the credulity of the NE leftist elite with a lump of coal”

    How does anyone tell the difference?

    Joanne, since all the suggestions here are obviously jokes, do you know from your e-mailer what the hell “Hissmass” is in fact supposed to mean? PC-isms may be stupid, but it’s generally not hard to tell how they were cooked up. This one bewilders me.

  23. What? You guys don’t celebrate Hissmas? With all those great Hissmas carols? Sheesh. Next you’ll tell me you don’t do anything special for Spanksgiving Day.

  24. dave'swife says:

    Well somebody’s gotta say it so here goes – if one can have Hissmass and Spanksgiving Day, can one also celebrate Kiester?

  25. Drinker that I am, I do celebrate Pourim.

  26. As an avowed feminist, I am incensed that some obviously patriarch-enslaved kindergarten teacher would use “HISsmiss,” thereby solidifying in a given child’s mind the anti-feminist doctrine of penis-centered non-vagina-friendly barbarians that holidays, and therefore all aspects of American culture, are the products of dead-white-male “history.”

    Enlightened people, like me, prefer “MISSmiss.”

    Merry missmass, y’all!

    (Note how “missmass” also encourages our tender young to miss mass, thereby freeing them of the shackles of religion, and we all know that religion has no place in holidays!)

  27. Anne Haight says:

    In addition to Spanksgiving and Kiester, I propose “Lint”, where instead of giving up a vice, we give up that piece of clothing that keeps filling our navels with lint.

  28. Too bad we can’t know precisely what town in Texas, with a handy eMail addy to the superintendent’s office, in order to express a suitable level of disgust at such a perverted, insulting practice.

    Parenthetically, if it were a song from the muslim tradition, they’d all be trained up to sing it very precisely as written, so this is also blatant discrimination.

  29. beta Capricorni says:

    At the main Lee Valley Tools store checkout line today …

    She: “Merry Christmas!”
    Me: “Am I still allowed to return that greeting?”
    She” “You’re damnn right!”

    See, there is hope.

  30. How about His Mass?

    If someone asked me to not say Christmas I would sing all the louder. I do the same thing when they sing gender neutralized songs at Mass. I sing the original.

  31. Has anyone bothered to confirm this ‘Hissmas’ story, or do we take anonymous emails at face value?

  32. adele vargas says:

    “Deck us all with Boston Charlie” — is from the POGO cartoons of the ’40’s, by Walt Kelly , who also drew for “Fantasia”.

  33. So if Christians (and others) aren’t allowed to call Christmas Christmas because it might insult other religions (especially Islam), why then is calling Ramadan Ramadan acceptable?

  34. I am the one who wrote the letter and I can assure you that every word plus some that was kindly edited by Ms. Jacobs is correct. If you would like I can have my 5 year old daughter email you a response, maybe her teacher, although I think she might be a little hesitant considering my views on the situation.


    By the way, today is the day of caroling for her class and we practiced her saying the word “Christmas” louder than all of the other words in the song.

    Thank you very much.
    Small Town Mom

  35. For “Dave’s Wife”:
    The words to that song, as I learned them anyway, are:
    We three kings of Orient are
    Tried to smoke a rubber cigar
    It was loaded
    And exploded
    Scattered us near and far.

    It’s a great song for third graders.

  36. Has anyone asked the daughter’s teacher what “Hissmass” is supposed to mean, and/or why she was telling the students to sing it that way?

    One always hopes (if forlornly) for a benign explanation.


  37. I learned:

    “we three kings of orient are
    tried to smoke a rubber cigar
    it was loaded, it exploded… boom!
    we two kings,” etc.

    after the third boom, one would then start into “Silent Night.”

    ok everyone…

    deck the halls with gasoline, fa la..
    light a match and watch it gleam, fa la…
    see the school burn down to ashes, fa la..
    aren’t you glad you played with matches, fa la..

  38. Of course, I betcha the non-Christian kids aren’t too thrilled with “We Wish You a Merry”… “Hissmass” OR “Christmas”.

    School was wrong. It shouldn’t sing the song period. And schools no better.

  39. Todd, some time back Joanne linked to a news story about a school system in Britain that was going to ban hot cross buns at Easter because they didn’t want the muslims to be offended. The local muslims said they were well able to communicate offense when needed, and that hot cross buns didn’t bother them at all. I think it’s wrong to assume that non-Christians don’t want to hear the word “Christmas”, especially in such a secular song as “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”, which doesn’t get into theology at all.

    At the mall yesterday we had to hear “Feliz Navidad” over and over. But I didn’t mind; I kept laughing because my daughter confessed to me a few years ago that she’d always thought it was “At Least No One Died.”

  40. Susan M. Grady says:


    Please, does anyone know all the words to the song, “Jingle Bells, Santa Smells,….” My parents always used to hit us when we sang it because they said it was irreverent. I would very much like to know what all the words were. Thank you.


    Susan M. Grady

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